I want to share with you, dear reader, some of my struggles. We’ve all been there, right? Sometimes life is just damned difficult.
In this blog, I’ll share with you about a time when I was deeply struggling with a lot of things, motherhood and sobriety in particular. It was when I began to discover what was inside of me, or perhaps what I was, what I am… what we all are- Magick.
You see, Magick is REAL. In fact you’re made of it. And because you don’t know/believe this down to your core, you’re playing way too damn small.
Even many self-proclaimed witches who practice spell-craft on the regular are playing too small. Because wielding the power of Magick in your life can change everything. It’s not just the ability to manifest that career or love-life that you desire (although it does that too!). It’s the ability to change the world, starting with yourself.
You and Magick are one and the same. But perhaps you haven’t met your personal Magick yet. I know a way that you and Magick can become intimately acquainted, leading to the intuitive and pervasive knowing that you ARE Magick.
I did not always have that knowing. At a time in my life, in early sobriety, I was experiencing panic attacks, night terrors and uncovering memories of a deeply traumatic childhood. I was being tossed about in the waves of my live with nothing to reach for, nothing to hold on to.
I also had a toddler; Maggie. She was beautiful, bright and willful as hell! And with all of the emotional upheaval I was going through, Maggie flung the most difficult challenges at me. I was drowning in the depths!
We were still in that phase where she needed prompting for polite behavior, so, as the tin was handed down to her, I reminded her, “Say Thank You.”
Maggie looked at me, doubtful, with her hand on her million dollar green tin full of happiness and remained silent. I said “If you don’t say Thank You, you can’t have it.”
She shot me a look full of baby daggers and much more disdain that a three-year-old should be capable of mustering, and, Little Miss Maggie turned her little body around and walked out of the room, without saying Thank You – and without the tin.
I felt my head dip under the surface of the water. Clearly, I was in trouble.
Maggie’s defiance and attitude had me screaming at her daily, right in her face, at the top of my lungs. Honestly, it amounted to child abuse and my lack of self-control had me crying myself to sleep every night over how horrible a mother I was.
I went under the waives again, unable to draw breath.
My emotions were ragged and I felt like I had no control, no ability to pause and think before blowing up at her over something. I’d heard a lot about the idea of “responding instead of reacting” but I had no idea how to get there. I was deeply worried that, because of my childhood, I couldn’t be a good mother to my child.
A part of the treatment I’d found for my own emotional difficulties was meditation. And when I first started to learn meditation, with the help of a teacher, I was convinced that I just couldn’t do it. I believed that I was simply a person with some kind of mental flaw that rendered me incapable of deep meditation.
My mind would race with a million thoughts that I couldn’t seem to quiet. One thought would lead to another and another until meditation was the farthest thing from what I was doing. I was told by someone that I had “monkey brain”. I assumed that, for me, this was a permanent condition.
I was given a number of different techniques to try, such as staring at a candle flame, listening to certain sounds, walking meditation, etc. And still, those thoughts would abound in my head and I felt like a meditation failure.
And with my daughter, when she would act out and I would still yell at her, I felt like a parenting failure as well. And for the third (and final?) time, I went under. Would I simply be swept out to sea? Would that be better for all concerned anyway?
What I didn’t realize at the time was that there was progress. The number of thoughts had decreased over time and with practice. And I just kept trying.
I found a guided meditation tape that seemed to help me move a little further along. The words and the imagined journey helped me focus and get to a place where the thoughts would subside for a bit.
And with Maggie, I was becoming aware a little sooner, each time I screamed, that she had triggered some painful switch in me that caused me to react that way.
I was failing forward. A life preserver appeared.
And then came the day when I was listening to that guided meditation and I lost time. I ended the meditation and realized that, for part of it, even if just a few minutes, “I” was gone. The awareness of “self” that we all walk around with had vanished for a while. And the relentless thinking had stopped.
What took the place of all that thinking was just bliss. It was utterly indescribable but in that bliss I felt the whispered, pervasive and irrefutable truth. “You are VASTLY more than you believe yourself to be.”
And I took a deep breath of air.
Then, one day, not long after that brief but blissful success in my meditation, I responded to Maggie instead of reacting.
She was throwing a crying fit about the way I cut up some vegetables and I knelt down at eye-level with her and I became fully attentive to my child in that moment, simply, totally present. I said nothing, but I looked at the pieces of broccoli and looked at Maggie with a concerned expression on my face.
And she stopped crying and stared at me. We both looked at the broccoli and suddenly I took a piece and popped it in my mouth and chewed in an exaggerated way. She smiled a little at that. And so, I wondered aloud whether the broccoli tasted differently, having been cut this way.
So, she tried one and very thoughtfully chewed and tasted it. Then she looked at me and said, “Nope! Tastes the same!” and took the plate back to her seat at the table and happily munched and suddenly, I could swim.
It was a miracle. I had met my personal Magick. My meditation practice was the first step in discovering the Truth of my vast Magickal self. And I was beginning to discover how to wield it with power and purpose.
Maggie’s 24 now, and we have an awesome relationship. I’ve been practicing meditation and witchcraft for over 20 years and my personal Magick has helped me through many other struggles as well. I’ll share some of those with you some time.
How can you meet your personal Magick and take that first step towards being the active creator of your world?
If you’ve tried meditation and struggled with it like I did, or if you’ve never tried it but are looking for a way in, I have a gift for you.
I’ve developed and recorded a 20-minute guided meditation (similar to the one that sparked my first success) utilizing my years of experience and my desire to liberate souls.
It is backed by music which features binaural beats which are formulated to help your brain reach more relaxed wave-states and aid in your ability to find deeper meditation.
This guided journey incorporates the six elements I’ve discussed before, bringing you through connection to Earth, Fire, Water and Air, to Spirit and finally to Void, where your Magick self is waiting.
Start your journey by signing up for Inner Court emails to receive your free guided meditation to try it out. As an Inner Courtier of Witch in the World, you’ll be the first to learn of events, workshops, freebies and specials.
To subscribe, scroll up and enter your e-mail in the Subscribe window in the left-hand side bar.
And we’ll talk some more about other ways to rescue from the depths, that limitless Magickal power that is YOU!